Friday, February 10, 2012
Numb and confused.
Today I sit here so numb and so confused. Do I let my mind take me down that dark, devastating road of the possibility of our daughter not coming home? It felt so right when we started, God so clearly called and we responded. I will not question that, even though a little voice keeps telling me to. I look back on our journey and remember the excitement the start of this journey brought. I remember how hard the waiting was/is... the tears, the anger and the confusion. I remember being so discontent with life because my little girl was not coming home in my timing...but His. I became consumed. I became consumed by the adoption verses the ONE who has adopted you and me...my little girl. I missed the point of adoption, it became about me and how I was not getting what I wanted and when I wanted it, even though what I wanted was a good thing. I loss track of who placed this little girl in my life and just how amazing and beautiful it is that God was allowing insignificant me to be apart of His plan of redemption. What an honor that is and yet I completely missed the blessing in it all. It saddens me that during the time that I was so sure of my daughter coming home, that I was not joyful...that I was complaining. Complaining of it taking too long, of her not coming home sooner. My heart breaks today at the thought of my daughter not coming home to me but I plead with the Lord to give me strength so that I wont make the mistake, again, of allowing something other than my Lord and Savior to consume me. Not an adoption. Not finances. Not grief. Not family. Not worry...i could go on and on. I am choosing from this moment on to put my full trust in God. To reach out to my Father and to be consumed in His loving embrace. To allow Him to share in my suffering and carry me through this life. I refuse to allow myself to get in the way of the many blessing He has in store. I refuse to turn my face away from Him and turn it towards my own self pitty. Today, I will consume myself in the God who gives and takes away. My God suffered to bring good and I trust He will do the same with mine.
We ask for your prayers during this uncertain time. That God would open hearts for all to see just how much we love this little girl. To God be the Glory.